Wednesday, November 9, 2016

A Story for Our Daughters

I stood in front of my morning classes today, dumb as cheese. There aren't words. I can't comfort. I can't understand. What do we tell our children? How do we explain the man who hates? 

I can't grade or plan or propose. At one point, I heard myself reading André Breton's "Choose Life", I heard it like I was a pigeon on the windowsill outside myself. I don't know if I taught anyone anything.

I went back to my office and wrote. I sat in the dark and ate chocolate.

A Story for Our Daughters on Tuesday, November 9, 2016

When God saw
what he’d done,
the cancerous rib
in one hand,
his sleeping child
in the other,
he shaped us
from the squash
plant instead, braiding
vines and gold
blossoms into bones.
Then he made
us dream survival
was the only
gift he had
left to give.
All else was
claimed or taken,
he wasn’t clear,
still manic, dazed.
Then we woke,
my dear daughter,
all of us
in a borrowed
world, the salt
and rock and
spine of it.
The sky boiled
with comets building
someone else’s light.
Our partner was
terrified. He chattered
in the dirt
while we ran
our hands over
everything, my daughter,
thorns, teeth, words,
none of it
ours, the embers
and splinters, shards
of spilt creation.
The blood moved
through our hearts
like soldiers stamping
through a tunnel.
Nothing could kill
us, not even
love, not us.
This is it,
my daughter, survival
given to us
like territory, like
borders, like dust.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Tidal Movements and How I Continue to Fail at Parenting

I've always said, with not much authority on the subject, that good poetry is poetry that makes me stop what I'm doing and write. Good poetry is action poetry. It changes something, digs up memory, gets us to act.

That said, I'm currently reading some good poetry for the literary journal Collateral (set to launch this fall!) and the Sustainable Arts Foundation Award, both of which have attracted some dynamite writing. The good news is, I keep stopping what I'm doing to write!

The bad news is, my to-do list. It's stupid, guys. Like really long. And it ain't getting shorter. So... THANKS A LOT, POETS OF THE WORLD.

Here's a poem I wrote on Sunday (I think?), in honor of Mae, her fascination with the moon, and all the ways grown ups overthink life's questions.

Tidal Movements and How I Continue to Fail at Parenting

Mae presses her hands
against the screen door
like a beggar outside
a bakery window
fingers spread wide
like I’ve asked her not to do
twenty times this week
and says Mom look up there
I can see the moon
and some pink clouds
which one do you like better
and I say what do you mean
and she says the moon
or the clouds
which one is better
and I say we need both
then unfurl the flag of reason
there are tidal movements
to consider and irrigation
and honeybees and miles
and miles of corn
and poetry
what about poetry
and the word cumulonimbus
without the moon
the oceans would stagnate
and did you know
a simple Google search
asking what would happen
if there was no moon
yields 9,880,000 results
in .41 seconds
and that means people
who know more than us
about hurricanes and gravity
have asked this question before
and without the moon
there’d be no clouds
and without clouds
we’d have nothing
to hide the earth when we flew
from here to New York
and this is why
we need the clouds and moon
and this is why
we can’t choose
one over the other
and Mae says yes yes
as if to agree
and I am so smug
I wait a whole week
to tell her I lied
and the moon is better
I’d choose the moon
over a smelly cloud any day
and she hasn’t pushed her weight
into the sagging screen once
and she looks at me
the way children look
at adults who can’t
make up their minds


Thursday, July 7, 2016

Brief Thoughts on Motherhood

Four years ago, if you had told me that I'd have work published in an anthology of poems about motherhood, I would have told you that yes, I write about my cats from time to time. Or I would have rolled my eyes. Four years ago, I was convinced I could never have children and had come to terms with that over the course of a long drive from Colorado to New York with my husband. My home was going to be a haven for rescued animals and I'd be a stellar auntie, driving my nieces and nephews to their first tattoo appointments and teaching them to effectively handle words like motherfucker in tasteful conversation.

When I swept my copy of All We Can Hold from the mailbox two nights ago, I had a moment. If my neighbors ever looked at me, they probably couldn't tell how awkward I felt. I folded the package from Sage Hill Press into our junk mail, leafy flyers for discounted pizza and ice cream bars. I helped my daughter turn her pink tricycle around and we moved slowly back toward the house.

Motherhood is a uniquely tricky subject for me. Every time it works its way into my poetry, I feel conflicted. It's there, my unexpected motherhood, this privilege wrapped in the barbs of loss and expectation. Six years ago, I stood, bleeding, in the emergency room hallway in the Fort Benning hospital while a doctor behind the wall called my cell phone to say, I just looked at your ultrasound and there's no sign of pregnancy. I'm not sure why you're here. And it was over. My only pregnancy, all my good, vague reasons for wanting a child, dissolved like an experiment. I went home and waited for emptiness to set in.

Pregnancy didn't happen after that, for years. So we stopped trying in 2012. Tom kept deploying anyway and my career was taking off, so I never developed any serious interest in IVF. It wasn't meant to be - for us - and that was all right. I was still more concerned with the chance I'd had and lost. Infertility was a biological conundrum I couldn't psychologically afford to challenge.

I didn't write about any of this until I read Robert Peake's The Silence Teacher and overnight a gate was unlatched. I started seeing patterns in our society that disturbed me: the way Western culture encourages women to strive for pregnancy as an achievement reserved only for some - those women who "have it all" but only once they become mothers. Babies become idols. Pictures of swollen bellies become offerings delivered via social media to a slew of silent women who have to fend off the isolation, guilt, doubt, bitterness and/or irritation this celebration provokes. I worked with women who chose not to have children and were smothered by strangers' questions. I worked with women who struggled to conceive and their polite silence etched itself on my brain like the ocean against a shoreline.

In 2013, after Tom returned from Afghanistan, I was pregnant. I was speechless unless I was writing. I went to a ten-hour poetry workshop on my due date; I studied German war poetry and taught workshops at the library in Binghamton. I had been given an invaluable gift and I took it with full consciousness of the women who didn't want it or couldn't have it and all they had to endure because of those experiences.

It didn't help matters when I almost died during my daughter's delivery. I remember everything going bright white, I remember the purple flowers on the hospital wallpaper. I remember thinking, I had it good.

One of the ways I love my husband and daughter is to write about them only when I feel personally compelled to do so, and I had some poems tucked away when Sage Hill's call for submissions went out. The first poem I wrote about Mae, "My Daughter Practices Saying Hi", is in this anthology. Postpartum, I was struck with guilt one night when I realized I tucked my baby in for sleep by saying "I'm nearby" instead of "I love you", which is what I suddenly figured I ought to be saying. When the friends I'd made before I was pregnant - all of them kind, good people - stopped calling or writing, I was struck again by the same guilt. I had to fight a little harder for opportunities to stay engaged in my own field because other professionals said I had "a little one to think of", as if Mae, instead of flying open in my life like a window into innocence and vulnerability, had fallen on my passions like a beautiful, bronze candle snuffer I ought to spend more time polishing and appraising. I wrote "Motherhood Is Not Enough for Me", which is also in the anthology.

These brief thoughts on motherhood, the ones that fall outside of poetry with the grace of dropped potatoes, are ones that still trouble me. I have no interest in condemning women who celebrate their pregnancies and babies, though I'm not ashamed to say I think about why we do these things and say what we say. Someone once told me I had to "be a mother first, wife second, and woman third". My throat tightens now, thinking of it. I am the same human being I've always been, thanks, and inside my writing is a tiny cosmos of societal roles I play, all of them simultaneous and overwhelming. I am a mother who sometimes struggles to understand how much she can possibly love her daughter. I am a wife and poet and woman and citizen of a country that is currently crumbling under acts of hate that strike like meteors and pull open gaping chasms in our ground. I am a questioner and watcher and friend and listener and I am hopelessly confident and confused.

Thank you for reading compassionately, and for checking out All We Can Hold: Poems of Motherhood, the anthology that has made such an impact on me.